Love or Not to Love

Let me preface this post by saying that I am, and have always been, a fool for love. Possibly to a fault. I know this is a weird statement from a guy (go ahead dudes, make your comments) but it's the truth.

Recently while I was out with a couple of my closest friends, we got talking about marriage, family & relationships (believe it or not, guys do discuss more than just sex. Shocking I know), when my best friend, Jeff, took it upon himself to remind me of how down (and depressed) I used to be about relationships and dating. My inner and outer dialogue sounded something like, "I'll never find someone for me", “I'm everyone's friend, no one finds me attractive", and “I’ll never find the right girl for me”.

You get the sad idea. That was me for a really long time. And while it wasn't far from the truth at that point, the way I thought of myself and how I approached love and self-worth was, to put it bluntly, sad. 

Then I finally got into a very serious relationship. I was committed and believed she was the one and that I was worthy of love. We were together for quite some time and though it started off exactly the way I had always dreamed, until it wasn’t. I won't dive into details, but looking back here's what I now realize about myself. At that time in my life, I was so desperate to be in a relationship and to ‘be loved" by what I perceived as the right person for me. What I didn't really pay attention to then was how I was being treated until I was in a relationship for lengthy period of time (too long in fact). The only way to really summarize our relationship by that point would be to say it was unhealthy, at best. It ended badly. Very, very badly. And here is where my post really begins.

As a reminder, first and foremost, I'm a lover. Those who know me, know this. It's who I am, plain and simple. I’m loyal, empathetic, and at times wear my heart on my sleeve. Some may see that as a weakness, especially for a guy, and that's fine. I personally don't give a flying …(You get the idea). I am who I am and it’s taken me years to get comfortable with that. Let me break down what it took for me to get this point in my life.

After the end of my relationship, to say that I was hurt would be an extreme understatement. I was jaded, angry and to be frank, borderline hated women (exceptions being my Mom, family & good female friends). I mean, I seriously HATED women. Which was not like me, but I was so damn angry. I was angry that I had ignored my own feelings for a woman. I was angry that I could be the lover that I am and have that used against me in the end. I was angry that I had opened up and trusted someone in a way I never had, and in the end it wasn’t enough. I was on a WARPATH. After a long while this anger simmered down a bit and then turned into a full blown attitude. I had decided that I didn't want to be in a relationship for a while (if not indefinitely), and that I was just going to enjoy my life, date women should the opportunity arise, live life, and basically not commit to anyone or give a care in the world to the notion. F Relationships, am I right?

It was around this time my best friend and I decided to find an apartment together. Best friends since the 2nd grade, single and living together? What could be better?! Looking back, I realize that a perfect storm of things occurred in a short period of time. I had no confidence in myself (looks, career, and life overall), had just gotten out relationship after a painful breakup, got hurt, was single, angry, living with my single best friend, and done with relationships as far as I was concerned. Then something happened that I had never experienced. I appeared to be getting attention from the opposite sex. At work, out with friends, at the bar etc. It was weird, REALLY weird but I ran with it. Every girl I met that seemed interested, I was up front with. I wasn’t interested in a relationship. I never lied to anyone or hid anything from anyone. I really didn’t disclose much at all because, in my mind, what was there to disclose? I was nonchalant and noncommittal. If it worked for me, great. When it didn’t, I was done. I didn't have the time or patience to care deeply about anyone. I did NOT want a relationship and nothing was going to change my mind.

This attitude of mine carried on for a years. Now look, I wasn't dumb, unsafe, rude or dishonest with a single person. Looking back, I didn’t date and/or lie to multiple girls at one time, I didn’t lead anyone on, I just didn’t commit to them either. I really thought that’s who I was and that I was just having fun and doing all that I would ever be capable of doing. Then, almost suddenly, I basically snapped out of it and realized this wasn't truly me. Between a conversation I had with a very good female friend of mine and some self-discovery, I realized I actually didn't like who I was deep down in this version of myself. I quite literally WOKE UP.

It wasn't a "What have you become moment" either. In many ways I had more confidence than I had ever had in my life, loved my life and who I was becoming. But I all of the sudden realized I had a big void in my life: A true relationship. Was I back to being who I was before I got hurt? Not immediately, no. It took time. I actually stopped dating altogether for several months. Instead I spent time with family and friends, got back to my roots so-to-speak, and enjoyed my life. I realize now that the beauty of this was that I then started to truly find myself. Me as a human, a son, a friend, and a man. I learned what was important and what wasn't. I was able to know what I needed and to actually recognize those things should I ever get into a serious relationship again.

A fair amount of time went by living this way and then the unthinkable happened. As cheesy as it sounds, I truly found love when I was least expecting it. I met a girl. No, a woman. And she had it all. She was immediately talked about by my guy friends, how hot she was etc. and sure, she was alright (who am I kidding, she's gorgeous) and when she spoke??? HOLY LORD. Smart, sarcastic, funny, tough and could hang with anyone. That day/week/month/year turned out to be a major turning point in my life. I was lucky. I woke up. I came back to being me. Truly me. The Lover.

So what’s the moral of my story? Well, in a nutshell, that we all go through stuff in our lives. ALL OF US. Even men. Hard stuff. We might appear to be simple but believe me, we're more complicated than society portrays. That being said, don’t confuse the words in this post for being any type of excuse to tolerate bad behavior. There are absolutely men who are simply playing the field with no good intentions for anyone, but they really are far and fewer between than what I feel is portrayed most of the time. I think for most men, including this one who is pretty open about his feelings, it can be hard to deal with relationships and the experiences that we go through. Think about it for a minute. ONE relationship completely changed my outlook and approach on women and relationships for a VERY long time in my life. I didn't even really talk about it with anyone. It just was what it was. Luckily for me, I have amazing friends who call me out on my shit and who, in this case, truly helped me wake up and got me back to being me.

For those of you out there frustrated with a man you've dated or may currently be TRYING to date, please understand not everyone has this perfect sequence of events unfold before them to lead them to a new sense of worth and love. I'm blessed beyond words for my life and the people in it. Some of us have NEVER had that and are waaaaay more closed off about things because we've learned that being open doesn't help us. The difference between them and me is that I reached a point where because of everything that I've been through, I just decided not to care one day. I decided to take a risk and love and let love in. I am who I am, and I will continue to be that way until the day I die. If I get burned again, so be it. But not everyone is able to reach that point.

I’ll leave you with this - if a man is wasting your time and not giving you what you need (and deserve) then don't hold on with white knuckles hoping that things will change. People aren't fixable unless they decide they want to be fixed. And here’s a news flash: You're not the one that should be doing the fixing. I know it may feel like it but all YOUR “job” should be is to support. Not enable, but support. The person who needs the fix'n has to do the fix'n. Enabling/holding on doesn't help and, reality is, it may not always work out the way you hoped. That doesn't change the fact that sometimes, the best thing to do is to let go. If you find yourself in this situation I hope you and your potential partner can find a way through it all. If not, embrace what you can learn and empower yourself for future relationships. I know that’s easier said than done and I recognize what my prior experience with dating and then purposefully not being in a relationship could have cost me in this story but luckily my now wife, saw through it all. No, SAW ME through it all.