Finding Love

This isn't your average post about love. 

This came about because recently I've been involved in a number of conversations about this fickle (wanted to use another F word there, but I'm trying to pace myself) topic and realized this needs to be vetted.

Look, you can read all the books, you can talk to all the professionals, use the dating sites etc etc etc - but there's one thing you're missing and if you don't figure it out first, none of it will matter.

So, what is it?!?!?!?!?!

RYAN PLEASE TELL ME!!!!

First, take a deep breathe in, hold it for a couple seconds and.....release......

Ok, here we go.

Start and end with the following:

YOU

......................

Ok, I realize most of you just collectively said, "WTF" or maybe a more subtle, "Say What now?"

But you read me correctly. Yes, YOU. 

I know this has been spoken about before, it's nothing new. The funny thing is, I still find that most people never focus on this (Including myself at times). Now let's clarify what this really means, "Loving You".

First, it DOESN'T MEAN becoming a narcissist, so be conscious of that. Sometimes people can go off the deep end and be COMPLETELY infatuated with themselves. It means learning to love YOU. The person you are, the person you're working towards becoming, and living the life you want to TRULY live.

I'm not talking about having all of the material BS in your life most people focus on either. The MOST IMPORTANT things need to be the focus and ONLY you can define that for yourself. 

Starting with.....you guessed it!       You.

I'm not saying you put yourself first before everyone else for everything. That's just selfish. BUT to a certain extent, if you don't take care of NUMERO UNO and focus on your happiness first, how will you ever truly be there for anyone else. Friends, family, partners, it doesn't matter who it is if you aren't taking care of yourself first.

Think of flying on a plane for a second. During the beginning of the flight when the crew runs through the safety precautions and info, one of the things you always hear is the breathing masks instructions.  "In case of emergency, a mask will drop from a container in the airplane ceiling. The mask, which looks like a yellow plastic cup, fits over your nose and mouth. An elastic strap goes around the back of your head, and the ends can be tugged to tighten the fit. Pull on the hose gently to begin the flow of oxygen."

The portion of the instructions that has always stood out to me is the final thing they leave you with. "Yours before others"

Why? Well, if you're out of oxygen and can't breathe, what good will you be to others around you? I can testify....USELESS.

Take myself for instance, with no exaggeration, I grew up despising myself. With every bit of what that means. I was convinced that I was a burden on my parents, that I was useless to any/all of my family/friends and that this world as a whole (as small as I was to this world) would be much better off if I had never existed.

Now as you may be able to tell, I have come a long way from that thinking. I can't pinpoint to a specific date but I know roughly when everything really started to turn.

It was about 6-7 months before I met my now wife. At the time, I obviously couldn't tell much was changing except that I knew my attitude was purposeful. No more feeling sorry for myself. I just woke up one day sick of being that way. No more wanting a relationship, needing a relationship. It was finally time for me to truly find myself and love myself BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE.

Looking back on this now, it's extremely exhilarating and freeing.

You see, I've learned a very simple premise. To find love, you first have to find it in yourself.

Think about it, and be honest with yourself for a moment, how can you give love if you don't love yourself? How can you truly understand love if you don't let it in through your own heart first?

You can't. So, ultimately, you don't attract love. Then you tend to find yourself in these never ending loops of relationships that tend to make you feel hopeless and lost.

If you start with yourself, put all the outside stuff aside and really take a deep look inward you'll surprise yourself with how things can quickly change in your life.

I know without a shadow of doubt that it wasn't a coincidence that I met my wife roughly 6 months after I purposely started working on these things.

And look, be realistic. It's not an over night process and it's not a once and done thing either. Bigger picture too, it's going to be easier for some and extremely hard for others.

I'm sitting here thinking/writing this post out and literally going through some confidence/self love issues myself. We all hate being vulnerable but I've been so very down on myself lately because of my physical appearance mixed with other stuff, and that has lead me down a path wondering what the heck my wife sees in me and why she isn't with someone better who can give her more than I ever will.

YES, this is real.

YES, I hate it with all of my being. I know I'm better than this. But when you get shit in your head, it's hard to come out of it sometimes.

My purpose in sharing this is simple (I could go into more detail, I don't want to open that Pandora's box to you all), I want you to know that I understand how hard it is at times to love yourself and believe in yourself.

E X T R E M E L Y   D I F F I C U L T.

But if I'm going through it, and say you out there reading this are/have gone through this, well it probably means that we're two of many who have these struggles. To me, that just solidifies why focusing on self love is so important and that 99% of what we convince ourselves of isn't true and doesn't serve us.

Learn to love who you are, what your self worth is (not saying it won't be a work in progress), what you want and deserve in the different aspects of your life (Love, Career, Family, Friends etc etc etc) and keep on it. Giving up isn't an option. Focus, write, talk to yourself, and coach yourself. Once you begin to do this, your value and worth to those around you and in your life will magnify 1000%.

While you focus on this process, who knows what (or who) this will pull into your life. Regardless, you'll be the better you for them when it does finally happen.